Away Games

Don't you hate away games? You know what I'm talking about. Those moments in your life when you have to "drop the kids off at the pool" but the pool is somewhere other than the comfort of your own home. I'm trying to avoid an away game right now. I'm waiting for someone to come to work so that I can have a home game at my own place. Plus, Dakota (my dog) probably needs to go too.

Avoiding an away game can be challenging. Especially when you know you can have a home game, you are close enough or whatever. The brain tends to tell the sphincter muscle down there, "relax man, you're home free!" So sometimes, there is premature relaxation. That can lead to a very embarrassing moment. The worst case scenario is an accident, usually less than a mile from the home. Now only babies and the elderly are supposed to have those types of accidents, so anybody between those ages just feels really stupid. Sometimes the only thing that comes out is a gaseous emission. Depending on the level of odiferous-ness, those too can be socially damning. You're forever branded as "the farter!"

Probably the worst situation in avoiding an away game is being far from home, but trying to keep it all in. Holding a fecal event inside you can be as strenuous as a workout. First begins the clinching. I call it the Kroger Clinch. You've been there. You feel the moment coming and you're not going to the gas station/grocery store/Target bathroom. Here's what I tend to do. I act like there's something REALLY interesting on the shelf. If you're lucky, you're in the magazine aisle. That way, you can squeeze tight and act like you're reading at the same time. Hopefully, if you're a guy, you're not in the feminine hygiene aisle at the appointed time. If you're in the meat department and someone you know comes up to you, you can always play it off by saying, "I......can't.........believe.........how..........much...........boneless.........skinless.........chicken..........breasts.......cost
.......these.................days!" Anyway, the Kroger Clinch is accomplished by squeezing your butt cheeks together, raising the chin just a bit, pursing the lips and concentrating on holding it in. It can take a couple of minutes to suppress the urge. If you're walking and are in a position where you can't stop, this is much more challenging. Some small steps and tip toe action are called for.

OK. Let's say you just cannot avoid the away game. You gotta go and you gotta go RIGHT NOW. Speaking from a previous HORRIBLE experience, use a toilet seat liner at all costs. Not only does it protect your cheeks from unexpected wetness, there are certain critters that just don't belong on your skin that can reside on toilet seats. Of course, my odds at bad luck are probably much better than yours, but please, play it safe. Use a seat liner!