Don't you hate away games? You know what I'm talking about. Those moments in your life when you have to "drop the kids off at the pool" but the pool is somewhere other than the comfort of your own home. I'm trying to avoid an away game right now. I'm waiting for someone to come to work so that I can have a home game at my own place. Plus, Dakota (my dog) probably needs to go too.
Avoiding an away game can be challenging. Especially when you know you can have a home game, you are close enough or whatever. The brain tends to tell the sphincter muscle down there, "relax man, you're home free!" So sometimes, there is premature relaxation. That can lead to a very embarrassing moment. The worst case scenario is an accident, usually less than a mile from the home. Now only babies and the elderly are supposed to have those types of accidents, so anybody between those ages just feels really stupid. Sometimes the only thing that comes out is a gaseous emission. Depending on the level of odiferous-ness, those too can be socially damning. You're forever branded as "the farter!"
Probably the worst situation in avoiding an away game is being far from home, but trying to keep it all in. Holding a fecal event inside you can be as strenuous as a workout. First begins the clinching. I call it the Kroger Clinch. You've been there. You feel the moment coming and you're not going to the gas station/grocery store/Target bathroom. Here's what I tend to do. I act like there's something REALLY interesting on the shelf. If you're lucky, you're in the magazine aisle. That way, you can squeeze tight and act like you're reading at the same time. Hopefully, if you're a guy, you're not in the feminine hygiene aisle at the appointed time. If you're in the meat department and someone you know comes up to you, you can always play it off by saying, "I......can't.........believe.........how..........much...........boneless.........skinless.........chicken..........breasts.......cost
.......these.................days!" Anyway, the Kroger Clinch is accomplished by squeezing your butt cheeks together, raising the chin just a bit, pursing the lips and concentrating on holding it in. It can take a couple of minutes to suppress the urge. If you're walking and are in a position where you can't stop, this is much more challenging. Some small steps and tip toe action are called for.
OK. Let's say you just cannot avoid the away game. You gotta go and you gotta go RIGHT NOW. Speaking from a previous HORRIBLE experience, use a toilet seat liner at all costs. Not only does it protect your cheeks from unexpected wetness, there are certain critters that just don't belong on your skin that can reside on toilet seats. Of course, my odds at bad luck are probably much better than yours, but please, play it safe. Use a seat liner!
22 November 2007
16 October 2007
Strange Dreams
This blog is dedicated to Amy who says she's tired of reading my old blogs....
I made a visit to my family physician last week and described my symptoms of anxiety to him, among some other things I was concerned about. He decided to put me on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug called Effexor. I remember a relative telling me how much it changed her life and her outlook and I figured, yeah let's try this. So, I get a starter pack and today I just completed my first week at the lower dosage. Tomorrow, I double the dosage and that'll be where I stay unless there are problems. So far, I've not noticed anything major. Some of the possible side effects are impotence (NO PROBLEM THERE!), nausea (none), flatulence (I'm perpetually flatulent), weight loss (bring it on), dizziness (none), insomnia (I wasn't sleeping well before), and abnormal dreams. BINGO on that one. I have had the strangest dreams, three of which I'm going to describe....
Strange Dream #1:
In this dream, I arrive at my house and find a very short, blond lady at my door trying to get in. I immediately become irate and question her. She said she was there to check my hot water pipes. I told her that I own this place and that she has no right to enter it unless I OK it first. She is persistent, so I let her in to check the pipes. She goes nowhere near the pipes so I become irate yet again. I tell her to leave immediately. When she goes out of my door (this is where the dream gets strange), she turns into a dog and starts vomiting profusely. This one is open for interpretation. My friend Lea had a pretty good idea of what it represents but I'm open to any and all interpretation.
Strange Dream #2:
This dream and another strange dream I won't describe here happened at the house I grew up in from age 12 on. My Mom had brought home all kinds of meat and our job was to cut and prepare the meat. I asked her why we were doing this and she said we were having a party. Well, as I cut the meat, I began eating it....raw. Oh...and I discovered I was cutting it wrong. Interpretations please???
Strange Dream #3:
This happened last night. I was given the job to do the preflight checklist on a Boeing 727. So, I examine the outside of the plane, turn a few knobs outside, close up a hole and then get inside. On the interior of the plane, I do something with the air system, turn a few more knobs and then finally get into the cockpit. It is then that I decide I'm going to fly the plane. Oh and I thought to myself how proud my friend Lois would be of me. Lois is one of my handbell friends and she has nothing to do with flying planes...unless she's a passenger. Anyway, I strap myself in, start the thing up and start "driving" it on I-64 Eastbound towards Charleston. At that point, I turn on the landing lights and decide I'm going to take off. But first, I must find the autopilot. While I'm searching for the autopilot (which happened to be on a turn signal stalk!!!) a tractor-trailer swerves out in front of me. I abort the takeoff, turn off the landing lights and try to gain control of the aircraft, however I veer off to the right of the road, crash and flip over. There was no fire and apparently I wasn't injured. The plane had no passengers or crew.
Do I feel better on this drug? It's really too soon to tell. My doctor says wait a month. I'm curious what the higher dose will do. I'm enjoying the dreams though! They are fun to relive.
I made a visit to my family physician last week and described my symptoms of anxiety to him, among some other things I was concerned about. He decided to put me on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug called Effexor. I remember a relative telling me how much it changed her life and her outlook and I figured, yeah let's try this. So, I get a starter pack and today I just completed my first week at the lower dosage. Tomorrow, I double the dosage and that'll be where I stay unless there are problems. So far, I've not noticed anything major. Some of the possible side effects are impotence (NO PROBLEM THERE!), nausea (none), flatulence (I'm perpetually flatulent), weight loss (bring it on), dizziness (none), insomnia (I wasn't sleeping well before), and abnormal dreams. BINGO on that one. I have had the strangest dreams, three of which I'm going to describe....
Strange Dream #1:
In this dream, I arrive at my house and find a very short, blond lady at my door trying to get in. I immediately become irate and question her. She said she was there to check my hot water pipes. I told her that I own this place and that she has no right to enter it unless I OK it first. She is persistent, so I let her in to check the pipes. She goes nowhere near the pipes so I become irate yet again. I tell her to leave immediately. When she goes out of my door (this is where the dream gets strange), she turns into a dog and starts vomiting profusely. This one is open for interpretation. My friend Lea had a pretty good idea of what it represents but I'm open to any and all interpretation.
Strange Dream #2:
This dream and another strange dream I won't describe here happened at the house I grew up in from age 12 on. My Mom had brought home all kinds of meat and our job was to cut and prepare the meat. I asked her why we were doing this and she said we were having a party. Well, as I cut the meat, I began eating it....raw. Oh...and I discovered I was cutting it wrong. Interpretations please???
Strange Dream #3:
This happened last night. I was given the job to do the preflight checklist on a Boeing 727. So, I examine the outside of the plane, turn a few knobs outside, close up a hole and then get inside. On the interior of the plane, I do something with the air system, turn a few more knobs and then finally get into the cockpit. It is then that I decide I'm going to fly the plane. Oh and I thought to myself how proud my friend Lois would be of me. Lois is one of my handbell friends and she has nothing to do with flying planes...unless she's a passenger. Anyway, I strap myself in, start the thing up and start "driving" it on I-64 Eastbound towards Charleston. At that point, I turn on the landing lights and decide I'm going to take off. But first, I must find the autopilot. While I'm searching for the autopilot (which happened to be on a turn signal stalk!!!) a tractor-trailer swerves out in front of me. I abort the takeoff, turn off the landing lights and try to gain control of the aircraft, however I veer off to the right of the road, crash and flip over. There was no fire and apparently I wasn't injured. The plane had no passengers or crew.
Do I feel better on this drug? It's really too soon to tell. My doctor says wait a month. I'm curious what the higher dose will do. I'm enjoying the dreams though! They are fun to relive.
09 September 2007
Gadgetry
I love gadgets. I always have. They promise organization beyond belief and the more flashing lights and neat sounds they make, the better. I have or have had many gadgets in my 34 years on Planet Earth. My favorite today is my BlackBerry! She's such a pretty berry. An old berry but a berry nonetheless. She's a FreeBerry. AT&T had it as one of my upgrade options a few weeks ago, and although she's refurbished, I still love her. You can't hate something that's free!!!Her little green flashing light tells me everything is OK. She flashes red when I have something I need to check out. My gmail goes to my berry at the same time it goes to my inbox. Sweetness!! I learn more about her every day. OOh...she just made the email noise!! I thought I would be all over the iPhone and while it is very nice and ooey gooey in the gadget-y way, I can't imagine my life without BlackBerry attached to my hip. She goes to bed with me...well beside me, and turns off by herself...kinda like going to sleep beside me. She wakes up before me usually but only wakes me up if I ask her to. So smart and caring. I think I'll buy her a ring.
Some guys like big screen TVs, home theater systems, lawn equipment. Give me a gadget and I'm a happy camper. Especially when these gadgets interact with car stuff!!! I learned today that if I had a Bluetooth GPS system in my car, I could send directions from my phone to my GPS system. Amazing crap!!!
Ok...I need to find a gadget that will allow me to tell people to read this blog. I don't know why I have it if nobody reads it. Hmmmmm......
12 August 2007
PostSecret
Shhhh....I have a secret. Everyone has a secret...oftentimes we have many. Secrets hide something we don't like about ourselves. Secrets add a spark of excitement in an otherwise dull existence. Have you ever shared a secret with someone? Did you feel the adrenaline from the release? PostSecret gives you such an outlet. I've drafted a few cards, but was disappointed with the lack of creativity I've seen on PostSecret. I invite you to visit my weekly addiction. New secrets are posted on Sundays...enjoy and share your secrets with the world!
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